Have we lost the art of writing friendships in our modern literature? In English, “love” is such an overloaded term that when we write “X loves Y,” we tend to think romantically. But this isn’t always true. Whatever happened to an enduring and abiding friendship?
Take this true / false quiz and tell me if the love explained here is “deep friendship?”
- Ripley saves Newt from aliens in Aliens.
- Westley says “As you wish” to Buttercup in The Princess Bride.
- Black Widow kisses Captain America in a crowded mall to avoid capture in The Winter Soldier.
- George Bailey returns home into the arms of Mary in It’s a Wonderful Life.
- B.J. Hunnicutt spells out “Goodbye” to Hawkeye in M*A*S*H.
Of the above, only two represent deep friendship, or philia. Let’s have a Greek lesson because those Greeks not only threw big, fat weddings, but also knew how to define love.
Philia is deep friendship—the type of friendship that is self-sacrificing. A great example in literature of this is the story of Damon and Pythias. This is the type of friendship I wonder if, in modern literature, we’re not exploring as much.
Eros is passionate, often physical, love. Many recognize this type of love and often associate it with smut. It shouldn’t be, but that is a blog for another time. Think Anna Karenina
Storge is the love families have for each other. Often most associated with a parent for a child, it’s also brotherly or sororal love. In literature, this is the Potters’ parents’ love for Harry.
Ludas is often called a “crush.” It’s the “I’m so in love with X, I can’t think straight” love. In classic literature, I would claim this is David Copperfield for Agnes.
Agape love is an unconditional love for another, or the love of humankind. Often unachievable for any length of time (just ask a parent who has been awakened at 3 AM by a baby’s cry), this should be a goal for us all, religious or not. Many religions claim God has agape love for humankind.
Pragma is love among couples which is long-lasting. It’s sad that in our society we think couples have fallen out of love because eros is no longer present. Normally, the couple has transitioned to this type of love, and it’s just as valid as eros. Returning to my earlier example, I would claim this is David Copperfield’s love for Dora.
(And if you haven’t read David Copperfield, you really should as it has nearly all examples of love in it.)
Now that definitions are out of the way, let’s return to the examples above. I would argue Ripley’s love for Newt is storge. She is a protector, and her showdown with the queen plays off this theme.
The Westley and Buttercup interaction is either ludas or eros. Hopeless romantics would claim it’s pragma, but (in my opinion) they really haven’t known each other long enough to have achieved that level of love.
Ironically, the kiss between Black Widow (Natasha) and Captain America (Steve), as it plays out in the Marvel Cinematic Universe, is philia. Surrounded by enemies, Natasha kisses Steve to sneak by, saving his life. After a cute quip, there’s nothing much more to the interaction until later in the movie. After the two are singled out to be killed, Natasha asks him, “Do you trust me?” and Steve responds, “I do now.”
George and Mary Bailey’s reunion is definitely pragma. Sure, at the start, it’s ludas at the scene around the bush. But at the end of the movie, after everything this couple has gone through, Mary Bailey’s look at George when he returns home displays a wife’s loving concern. That’s pragma.
B.J.. and Hawkeye (and Trapper John before him) were definitely friends and loved each other as philia friends do. The fact that B.J. can’t say goodbye to Hawkeye until that chopper lifts off is a Damon and Pythias moment.
When we write, we should be conscious of the type of love between our characters. If we write so-and-so loves someone-else “like a brother” then this is storge love, not philia. Also, when we describe couples as “best friends,” while that’s true, it’s not an example of philia. Often this is used to exemplify that love has transitioned from eros to philia. Hopefully it hasn’t. A spouse is more than just a best friend.
Examining social media and in my discussions with people, I see a growing need for books with philia relationships. There’s a deep longing to be around people who understand you, who love you for who you are, and stick by you in good times and bad. People are attracted to this type of relationships and connect with it when reaading novels.
When done right, deep friendships make up the wonderful moments you, as a writer, are looking for. So be wary of how you write these relationships and make sure the two parties are friends and nothing else. If you achieve this, you will write some stunning scenes. I’ll leave you with a few I’ve read (or watched) over the years.
The aforementioned Hawkeye Pierce and B.J. Hunnicut final scene in M*A*S*H.
Sarah Cooper’s (Glenn Close) for Meg Jones (Mary Kay Place) when she wants a baby in The Big Chill.
Harry & Hermoine and Harry & Ron in the Harry Potter series. The Harry & Ron relationship, especially after Harry realizes that Ron can be “a bit of a git at times” is especially insightful and where Ron risks his life to save his enemies strictly because Harry tells him to.
The friendships in the Wizard of Oz.
Following is a list of books I’ve reviewed with examples of philia that work. While there are many books with friendships and romance, I’ve chosen those books where philia is the central element rather than eros/ludas.
The Legend of the Storm Sneezer Review
The Legend of the Rainbow Eater
Review of Super : The Arca Series (book one)
Review of Blaze: The Blaze Trilogy (book one)